9th September - my Son's Birthday

Today is my son’s birthday; he is 19 years old and lives with his dad due to work and study.  We don’t see each other a lot but he does like to go to the football matches with me, the last one though was April 2011 in Leeds.  It was a good day with his friend Will and we had so much fun, I love being part of his life and am pleased he wants to include me (even if it is because I drive us all there!) 

I rang him this morning to wish him happy birthday and we both got tearful, he was getting ready for work and couldn’t talk for long but I told him I loved him and hoped he had a good day. The rest of my day was a downer, I was low and tearful, missing home life so much.

The high point of the day was that I finally had my hair washed over the end of the bed.  It was a strange feeling but it felt so good.   I had to lie with my head at the top of the bed while they used a bowl and a bag to wash my hair, strange way but it worked!  I feel so much better for that but still the mood is low.  A lot of spare time on my hands thinking about things.

I had a CT scan today, I don’t mind them, it was easier than the MRI and will see what Mr B has to say when the results come back.  I like getting off the ward even if it is for a scan, it breaks the day up and I can usually have a laugh with the porters who are lovely. 

Dr Razak came in and chatted about the scan, he was vague and said that Mr B would be in shortly to explain more. I tried not to worry….

Mr B came in with bad news.  My world collapsed around me while I listened to him telling me that he hadn’t been able to get all of the disc out of the spinal cord.  He was unsure why this had happened but the outcome was that I had to go back into surgery for the same operation again and he was scheduling it for the 14th September.  I had to go through it all again…….

Extracts from my journal that evening:

“The pain from the chest drain is immense, it has to come out soon but knowing I am having to go through all of this again…. I can’t.  I just don’t want to.  I want to go home I need to get back to life outside.

I don’t want this anymore, I just can’t take it.  What have I don’t so bad to deserve all of this? Life is crap, I want to bail out now, I can’t take any more”

Later that evening after a visit from Mark, Leigh and Chloe (his son and girlfriend) I had picked up the mood, I felt happier, had laughed a lot with them and it was the boost I needed.  Today was a setback, nothing more.  I needed to focus and get back into my positive zone ready for the following week. 

I rang my best friend Rachel, we cried and then she gave me a stern talking to,  she wouldn’t let me wallow and basically kicked my arse so I could see a bit of the old Caz!   I was allowed sleeping pills tonight and hoped that I could at least be allowed a decent sleep..

Leeds United Match