Mark came to visit tonight, we both knew exactly what was ahead and this time the risks were higher. There was more chance of spinal cord damage, which in turn meant paralysis, bowel and bladder impairment and certainly a life in a wheelchair. The other side of the risks were outlined again to my by both my surgeon and my anaesthetist who explained the risks moving the heart and collapsing the lung, being anaesthetised for such a long time, tubes down my throat could cause damage to my teeth (but they would be careful!)
We were assured by Mr B that the operation wouldn’t last as long as the last one, so again, I signed the consents which was almost like signing my life away. My life in their hands, I had no control over what was going to happen, what the outcome would be and what lay ahead for my future. I honestly still didn’t feel a sense of dread or worry. I just wanted it over and done with. I wanted to go home to Mark and Laura.
We were assured by Mr B that the operation wouldn’t last as long as the last one, so again, I signed the consents which was almost like signing my life away. My life in their hands, I had no control over what was going to happen, what the outcome would be and what lay ahead for my future. I honestly still didn’t feel a sense of dread or worry. I just wanted it over and done with. I wanted to go home to Mark and Laura.
Mark stayed later that night as the nurses didn’t seem to mind, he is suffering with his back but I know he wont miss a visit and will drive over tomorrow after the operation. Part of me doesn’t want him to drive, I want him to be safe and well and couldn’t bear to see him so tired but the biggest part of me wants to wake up and see him there.
I spoke to Laura before bedtime; she seems to be very calm and accepting of the situation, she has shown so much maturity throughout this traumatic time, I am so proud of her.
I had text Matt but he was busy and didn’t have time to talk. I cried. He clearly didn’t realise the importance of what lie ahead, I wanted, needed to talk to him before the operation. I wasn’t sure when or if I would get to speak to him again.
He did eventually ring me later in the evening and I reassured him everything would be ok.
I love my children, I am so proud of both of them and relieved I was able to talk to them tonight.
From my journal:
“So it’s not 22.45pm pre-op no 2. Apprehensive? Nope! I just want to face this, get it done and then get on with life. Just waiting for the sleeping pills and morphine to take effect, listen to the iPod and drift off to sleep – let’s get this sorted!”
I also wrote a letter in my journal to Mark, just in case, and also to express my feelings……
No comments:
Post a Comment