Work and Normality

I decided to go back to work at the beginning of December.  I had been off for three months and I needed to be paid a normal salary again. 

Initially, I was going to go back full time but I started back on the Monday, and by the end of the day I was exhausted.  I had moved office (still on the third floor!) and everything had changed round.  I was tearful for most of the day, and felt like a fish out of water, I wanted to go home and feel secure.  I spoke with my boss and agreed to do three days a week until the New Year when I would see how I was.  This worked better for me as I could have Tuesday and Thursday to recover.  I was still on heavy doses of Tramadol, Declofenac and Ranitidine just to keep the pain at a level.  Once New Year came however, I was determined to drop this dose down bit by bit and manage the pain level myself.

Working in the office all day and then starting again at home was tiring.  I felt physically and emotionally drained.  I would cry at anything and some days the pain in the ribs was so intense I didn’t know what to do with myself.  My legs felt useless and I would go through stages where I felt sorry for myself.  I did get told once to “stop feeling sorry for yourself” but to be honest, I felt I was entitled to feel like this once in a while after what I had been through!  I had sleepless nights and often lay awake thinking back over the last few months and how things had changed in my life.

I had up and down days; my mood swings were frequent and I would cry for no reason.  I think sometimes it was just sheer exhaustion that did it and I looked back to when I was a child and wanted that security again, of not being in pain, of being "normal" and not wanting to be responsible any more.  It seems a strange feeling to have but there were days when I really wanted to give up on everything.  This was hard on my family at times and it was hard to try and explain how I was feeling, I don't think I ever did, it's sometimes just easier to pull yourself together and live with it.

I no longer had the ability to run, (not that I was a runner!) jog or even get myself up and down off the ground easily.  I had to learn how to walk properly, how to make sure my foot wasn’t rolling to one side, think about straightening my body and the alignment of my hips!  No one teaches you to walk when you are a child so it is so un-natural to learn to do it as an adult!  I wonder if I will be able to do the things I used to; outdoor photography, portrait work, did I even want to?  I felt a long way off from wanting to do anything to be honest.


Mark bought me a car for Christmas, we traded in the sporty Puma and got a practical car in which I can get in and out of. I love my new KA and started driving in January this year. :-)

My new KA - a fresh start driving again.